"The more you try to control them, the less self-control they have.The less self-control you have, the more control others will have over your life."

"The more you try to control them, the less self-control they have.

The less self-control you have, the more control others will have over your life."

There is something that happens between people when they enter any kind of relationship: the behaviour of one person impacts the behaviour of the other person. 

I believe this to be true in all areas of life:

- with your partner

- with your child(ren)

- at work

- with your own parents

Did you notice that when one of you naggs / pressures / insists, the other avoids / withdraws / overpromises but does not conform / deliver?

That is because, as humans, when we feel pressured to do something "against our will", we tend to fight back.

Some of us fight back openly. Others amongst us "fight back" passively. Simply by not doing the very thing that there were pressured to do. It's a silent but very effective rebellion. 

Perhaps you can recognise yourself in either of these roles. If you take a look at all the relationships in your life in which this pressure/withdraw dynamic happens, are you always in the same role, or do you find yourself sometimes being the pusher and other times the withdrawer?

- Sometimes you might be the one who wants something to get done, and how frustrating when you feel alone with all that needs to be done, surrounded by what seems like lazy, unreliable, selfish or slow people!

- Other times, you might be the one who wants freedom and flexibility and feels fed up with those people who constantly try to corner you, control you, pressure you, you just want to escape from it all and finally be able to breathe!

And the dance continues.

The more one pushes, the less the other initiates action.

The less one will initiate action, the more the other pushes.

Extremely common in couples. Very common in parent-children interactions too.

So what to do about it?

First, recognise the dynamic when it happens. Are you chasing / pushing / trying to control the other? Are you avoiding / disappearing / refusing responsibility? Remember that this is co-created. It doesn't define you. This is a role you are taking in this situation. It's ok.

Second, accept that this is happening. I used to think that this step could be skipped, but the years have taught me that this step is crucial. Take some time to pause, ground, and realise - deeply - that this is real. Let it sink inside your Self.

Third, try something different. 

- If you are usually in the role of the chaser, nagger, controler - here is what you could do differently:

(if you are in the other role, please read below)

• One, try not to chase. Energetically, this feels like pulling back towards yourself, "back in your territory". It's a shift away from the other, back towards yourself. The chase is an outward movement that is towards the other. By moving back towards yourself, you are leaving some space between you and the other person. This is crucial because the other person needs space in order to initiate action. Over time, by leaving that space between you and the other, you will notice change happen. For some simple actions you might notice a very quick change, and for more complex ones, it might take a long time. This depends on your history with the other person and on that person's own history too. 

  
  

  Here is the difference: when you chase, you are filling not only the common space but you are also entering the other person's space. What I am inviting you to do energetically is to step out of the other person's space and to only occupy your share of the common space (half). I know this is scary for you because you believe that the other person won't step in and you will be left on your own to deal with everything. And that will probably be the case in the beginning. But Be part of the common space but don't fill it completely. Leave space in the common space for the other person.

• Two, place boundaries. With strength but not force. What is the difference between strength and force? Force is applied TO the other person. When you use force, you are trying to control the other. Strength is a structure within yourself. When you use strength, you are energetically within your own space but you are able to communicate your limits clearly. The other has the freedom not to act as you wish them to AND you have the freedom to stand strongly by your boundaries. Because they are yours and you are remaining in your space. In other words, you are taking care of your internal space and placing strong boundaries around you stating clearly and in a contained way what is right for you without invading the other person's space.

• Three, make a clear, contained, and warm request. Now, you have energetically pulled back into your space. You have named your boundaries with strength (but not force). The next step is to make a clear, contained, and warm request. This is the moment when you communicate with the other what you wish for:

  
  

  - Clear: in one clear sentence, what is it that you want? No need for thousands of words. This dilutes the strength of your request. Just one clear sentence, maximum two. 

  
  

  - Contained: when you state your request, do it in a contained way. Let your tears and your anger out before this conversation so that you can place your request from a place of strength, not overwhelm. Why? Because your overwhelm would impact the other person's nervous system, which means they can't really hear you properly.

  
  

  - Warm: be nice as you make this request. You want the person to want to go on the journey that you are inviting them on (for example a cleaner home). They are much more likely to join you if you present a positive journey than an unpleasant one!

• Four: be grateful when you notice even a small change. Always notice when the other makes a change, and always explicitly express appreciation (not hiding behind humour but if appropriate, allow yourself to be vulnerable). This will support the other in trusting that they are valuable. If it is not as you would have done it, do not criticise because that would diminish the likelihood that the other would do it again. 

• Five: accept and embrace your differences. If the difficulty is with another adult, notice that you are better at some things and the other is more capable at other things. If it is with a child, remember the age of your child and check whether they are actually capable of doing what you are hoping for at their developmental stage. Are their other needs met (affection, play for example)?

- If you are usually in the role of the withdrawer, avoider, disappearer, disappear:

• One, learn how to say 'no' clearly: no more overpromising and under-delivering. If you actually don't want to do something, say it clearly! One clear, contained, and warm sentence (see above what I mean by a clear, contained, and warm sentence). This is important because this is what creates trust in your relationship. When you either say 'yes' and don't follow up, or when you don't say a clear, respectful 'no', the other person feels disappointed or even betrayed when you don't do it and this erodes trust and reliability. I know that it can be hard to say 'no' as you may have learnt in childhood that saying 'no' means losing the love of the other person. If it's available for you, try little by little to practice this clear and respectful boundary-setting.

• Second, notice what matters to you. Notice what you like, what you want, what you care about, and what you wish for. What I am inviting you to do is to fully occupy your internal space. By fully occupying your internal space and having strong boundaries around you, you are communicating to the other that your space is not to be invaded - and therefore not controlled. Place firm boundaries if the other tends to invade your space. With strength but not force.

• Third, once you have fully occupied your own space, join and cherish the common space between you and the other. There too, notice what you like, what you want, what you care about, what you wish for. Trust that you are a valuable person in the common space. You are wanted and so are your contributions. So please value yourself. When you withdraw, you are missing out on being able to co-creating a common space that works for you! Dare to act on the common space. Dare to speak up about what you want and take initiative to create the common space that you wish for.

• Fourth, make clear, warm, and reliable commitments. If you need time to think about what it is you can commit to, state a clear time limit that works for you. Make sure that the time limit you choose is realistic and that you will definitely be able to follow up on it. This will reassure the other that you care, and that you are involved in the common space. The same applies to the actual commitment you are offering to make. Promise less but very clearly so that you can fully occupy and complete your promise. No vague promise, no overpromising. Clarity, commitment and following up on these commitments. If you are exceptionally not able to follow up on the commitments that you have proposed, take the lead to to let the other know and offer a clear, contained apology, and offer an alternative solution or at least offer to reflect together on an alternative solution. No need to beat yourself up - unexpected changes happen. By taking responsibility when you were not able to follow on one of your commitments, you remain reliable and you protect trust in your relationship.

• Five, notice similarities you might have with others but also your own individual strengths that others might not have. Capitalise on your strengths and use them for the common good.

That's it from me! Feel free to email me at alexialonnoypsychotherapy@gmail.com if you have any questions about this.

If you are called to go further on this journey of improving your relationships, I offer:

- one-to-one psychotherapy

- couples therapy

- a 12-week in-depth program to transform relationships across all areas of life, it's called The Relational Field and it starts in 3 weeks.

There are some low-cost options available upon request for people who need them.

Wishing you authentic, harmonious, and alive relationships - with your Self and others, as always,

Alexia 

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Alexia Lonnoy 

UKCP accredited Psychotherapist

Founder, The Relational Field

https://www.alexialonnoy.com